HP Photosmart is a piece of shit (& the programmers should be forced to eat each others beards)

This post is a rant, because HP software made me rant. It contains language that may offend some readers, so don’t read it if you are easily offended. If you work at HP, you are welcome to provide feedback and comment. Better still, write some decent software and then email me a link. K? Thx, bai.

Okay, here’s a rant for you. Can I just say that HP’s Photosmart software is such a piece of crap, that I would rather eat my own hair than use it? Unfortunately HP printers are also so crap, that I have no choice but to. So hair-eating will ensue.

Let’s start from the top. My beloved EPSON CD/DVD printer died (and I need one for my line of work). So I went looking for a replacement. The EPSON replacement was “out of stock” everywhere I looked, and the reviews of it mentioned some issues with the paper pickup. That’s okay I guess since I”m only printing on discs, but do you think I could find one of these printers in the country? Nope.

What about Canon? Well, their disc-printing solution was up in the $800 range. Too much, considering I only print one disc a week. It would take forever to pay itself off. It was also an A3 printer or something; too big – I already have a “nuclear reactor”-sized networked colour laser printer (or so my friend reckons ) that takes up a lot of space – it’s just that it doesn’t print on discs, hence the requirement or a separate one.

HP. Hrm, HP. Let’s give them a try. JB Hi-Fi was doing the HP Photosmart C5380 “all in one” multifunction, which also happens to print onto discs, for $127 (FYI, I just looked on JB’s website and it’s down to $99! – maybe it’s so cheap because the software is SO BLOODY CRAP!!!!, but I’ll get to that shortly, LOL). So I bought one. Be warned that JB Hifi will try hard to upsell you the “exclusive” 2 sets of ink… available half price, but ONLY if you buy them right now, while you’re in store.

This is, of course, how HP and JB make their money. Cheap hardware with no margin (possibly even at a small loss for HP; you never know) – but lots of markup on the ink. Unfortunately for them, I buy my ink on eBay (or online at other stores) at 1/3 of the price anyway. It works fine and is still genuine. So JB and HP can go and have a little threesome with their ink kit because I don’t want it, but thanks anyway, Mr JB PowerSalesman with dollarsigns for eyes… *fake smile*

So I took the printer home and installed it on my Windows 7 64-bit machine, because the box said it would work. Little did I know that it doesn’t work with the Windows 7 RC (release candidate) that I’m running – only with the final release. My god. Someone at HP really went AWOL with their drivers and ensured the Windows version number was set to 7101+ (I run build 7100). While I could probably hack a .INI file on the CD to make it work I don’t know how or where to start. Knowing HP, it’s bundled into their bloatware and not a standard driver file, like everyone else. No, HP has to do it their way.

So it wouldn’t install on my main machine *grumbles* (nb. I will eventually upgrade to the final Windows 7 release, but not until I have to – in April this year, or something like that, when my v7100 RC expires). Not a huge problem… so I go and install it on my Media Centre PC, which sits next to my main PC anyway. It’s not ON all the time (only at night or when somethings being recorded), but I can turn it on to print, I guess. Not a huge issue. But the media centre Pc doesn’t have a keyboard, screen or mouse attached, since it’s all network driven. I VNC into it. Again not a huge drama, but lots of small drama’s are slowly building into a slightly bigger one :S.

So I install their software. It works, finally. After like 30 minutes of doing god knows what to my hard drive, it installs. And that’s when it starts bombarding me with shit. Register for this, get cheap ink, register your printer, take a survey, do you want to sign up for emails? Automatic updates? What about notifications from HP? What about a free counselling session from using shitty software? How about a free voucher for a shrink because you get asked too many stupid questions from our dumb software?

So finally, I get past all the crap and can begin printing. Yay. Except the software is soooooo lame. Lame is a bad word for it. Dumbed-down, that’s better. Seriously – their printing software is made for either under 8′s, or over 90′s. Seriously! The interface is hopeless. For example, if you want to add multiple photos to a disc print, you cannot just drag & drop like on Epson’s PrintCD software (the one I used to use). You have to manually add image “watch folders” to the HP software, then place your desired image into one of those folders, THEN you can add it onto the CD. And only one. Not multiple photos.

You can’t even move the text box around, it’s position is preset. And what if you want to start off with a simple blank disc design and just add some text? No. You have to go through the 5 question wizard each time you want to print. Do you want labels? A small Cd print? A big CD? A round one? Square one? One shaped like my finger? Cause that’s what I’m giving you at the moment, HP Photosmart. The it’s… “Do you want wedding style or sports?” …Movies? Home? “Fun”? “Kids”? “Family”? What about ASS. Do you have an ASS style, Hewlett Packard? Cause that’s where I’m going to shove this disc in a minute.

Then you have to edit the text. Add your photo. Oh wait, the photo is on MY OTHER COMPUTER because you won’t work on Windows 7 RC, stupid printer. Let me browse to the network. Oh – wait… that’s right, you can’t. You can only access photos on the local drive. So I copy it across to the desktop. Try again. Oh, no – wait, you can’t. It has to be in a frickin HP Photoass 5500 or whatever “watch folder”. So I copy it across and add it to the HP Photo Album [OF PAIN!] or something. Add it. Finally, a photo on the disc (this has taken 10 minutes so far). What about a second photo. Yes… a second photo. Now that would look really lovely, just to the side there – about 2cm by 2cm in size. Just lovely. Oh and in black & white would look beautiful against the colour – with a 3 pixel keyline border in white. Oh wow, that would be so awesome. Oh wait, you can’t add two photos. And you can’t add a border. YOU CAN’T EVEN MAKE A PHOTO BLACK & WHITE.

*headdesk*

Grrr… die Hewlett Packard PhotoSmartDumb! Die! I hate you. I cannot wait for an Epson or something to come out… because rather than sell you, Mr HP printer, for a measly $99 dollars, I will get far more enjoyment (and hence, value for money) from dropping you out of the window of a 10-storey building – or hititng you with a sledgehammer. Better still, I will get Dale to drive over it with his car. And then I will take you to mum’s place and burn you in the bonfire area (yet to be built, hey mum? ) out the back. Actually, I won’t do that – the fumes would be bad for the environment.

But getting Dale to drive over it with his car, or getting Barry to drop one of his concert speakers on it, or smashing you into little pieces with a hammer will be a LOT more fun than selling you to some other poor soul – unless that said poor soul is under 8 or over 90, of course – in which case, you can have it. No wait, I will PAY YOU to take it off me. C’mon Epson… bring on the replacement so I can ditch this HP POS ASAP. I’m counting on you…

</rant>