If Apple opened a Cafe…

If Apple opened a cafe…

• Cutlery would need to be paired with the crockery in order to function correctly.
• Customers would need to buy an app from the App Store first, then use iTunes to place their order.
• Windows users would be charged more for the same experience.
• Customers entering the store with pre-opened (aka jailbroken) drink bottles will be denied access.
• Windows users, like me, who kill and delete ituneshelper.exe (WTF – I don’t even have iTunes installed!?!?) would be politely asked to leave.
• All meals would feature DFM (Digital Food Management) which would automatically remove all flavour if a meal is shared or eaten outside of the cafe.
• Users bringing their own drinks to the cafe will be informed that they are incompatible and that Apple drinks must be purchased.
• Before exiting, users are forced to leave a positive testimonial. Should anyone escape and leave a negative testimonial or complain about how hard it was to type using the menu interface, you will be hunted down and forced to publish an apology.
• Liver is not on the menu (see what I just did there?).
• Specials will be advertised, but are in no way special.
• All meals begin with the letter ‘i’. Highlights include delicacies from the iRaq, iPad Thai, iToast (but only after Apple takes the makers of Toast to court) – and for dessert, Apple iStrudel with iCecream or Blues Cream of Death (say it out loud – slurring your words, and you’ll get it).
• Users wishing to create their own meals to sell within the Apple Cafe will first need to buy a CDK (Cooks Development Kit) for $300. All meals must be approved. Meals containing the letter ‘i’ will need to be renamed prior to approval.
• Each time you visit the store, the cutlery will change – meaning you cannot use your existing Apple cutlery, as the connectors will no longer fit. Non-genuine Apple cutlery will not be permitted.
• Wait staff will be referred to as ‘Master Chefs’ – after Apple takes the maker of the TV series to court.
• Users will need absolutely no knowledge of eating prior to enter the cafe – eating is done via a simple, easy-to-use user interface that anyone can master – even your grandma!
• Poster advertisements for the cafe will feature dark silhouettes of randomly dancing people holding cutlery against colourful backgrounds.
• Television advertising for the cafe will include some skinny uni-student saying “I’m Apple Cafe” and a fat dude saying “And I’m McDonalds” (actually – that one I’ll give them! +1 for Apple Cafe ). They’ll then banter on for 30 seconds about random bad McDonalds facts, most of which aren’t actually 100% true.

…I hope I made you laugh

PS: Big kudos to my BF who gave me the idea to post this, after we walked past an Apple Store yesterday...